I'm not the same person I was one year ago. I'm not the same person I was three months ago. I'm changing....ever constant change...happening a little bit everyday, everyday a little bit more far gone.  As your blind eyes finally open and come to realize this, just keep in mind that I'm not the only one.

Hurt ~ Johnny Cash

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hold
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

A poem that I wrote...I realized I havn't written much lately and I felt really random so...yeah...

Running for freedom,

All of my life,

Escaping my demon

And all of my strife.

“Where are you running?”

The moon said to me.

“A place without shunning,

Where I can be free.”

I ran through the night,

And all through the day,

In a line that’s so straight

I wouldn’t lose my way.

“Where are you going?”

The sun was a pest.

“Why aren’t you slowing?

You need to rest.”

I ran in a delight

A dream that I made

That kept out the fright

From the light and the shade.

And I didn’t listen,

To the moon nor the sun,

I felt my sweat glisten

And kept on the run.

They questioned my actions,

And then tried to harm,

But I gave no refraction

And ran straight to your arms.

So I haven't done this in...forever. Lol...it seems like theres nothing really to talk about, but thats not true...

The most far back thing I can think of is going to Charlie and The Chocolate Factory with Brianna one night last week.  That movie...scary...and also, the original is sooo much better.  I've been talking to Brianna a lot lately...and like..she came over after work tonight and we hung out and made "cookies" til 1130 and a lot of the time we were just sitting on my kitchen floor...talking about really really random things.

The question: What the hell is wrong with me? came up a lot in the conversation, and I've realized now that no matter how many times I ask that question to any of my friends, I'm never going to get the answer...like...I can ask my friends and tell them to be so brutally honest that it would make me cry...and I still wouldn't get the right answer...because it would be my friends talking...not him.  and it's his version of the answer that I need to hear. I need to know why he doesnt want to be with me...and in a lot of cases how shes better than me. I mean...people tell me that I'm pretty and funny and fun to be with...but no one ever tells you what you're lacking.  So there's another question that I would like someone to answer: Am I really that lacking as a human being that I can never and will never find anyone that fits me?

But I dont think really many people want to read about this...so I'll save my questions for myself and, if I ever work up the nerve, him, and move on to something else...

I spent the entire day with Leah yesterday. Literally about 12 hours.  I left my house a bit before 11:30 and we stayed in Roch, wanderin around and buyin cute clothes til 5:00, when we came home.  I went back to her house, hung out, went and got Chinese, hung at her house, and at 10, picked up Janna to go work out.  Then B and Nicki came.  So we all worked out. Except I barely did anything, and then ate two glazer donuts that I got free from Kwik Trip...apparently they do still give them away free at the end of the night...I got home at 11:30...12 hours after I left.

Leah and I got to talk about a lot of stuff too, which was really cool...except we had to drag Lacy everywhere too and she kept insisting that we help her pick out clothes, but of course she doesnt like the clothes we pick out so shes all mad cuz finally we're like: we're gonna go look at underwear and not help you cuz ur picky....and yeah...lol...I got two really cute pairs of jeans (Charlotte Russe, BOGO, 23 bucks, but dont get the black ones!) a backpack from Hot Topic, a 3-subject notebook...., some unmentionables and other such stuff...not to mention Taco Bell...

Bored with writing now so...k bye...

First Quarter:

Princ of Math - Colucy

Economics - Wilke

Community Action - Lindquist

Choir/SH - Hoff

Second Quarter:

Writing (yay!) - Frarck

Int Gen Chem 1 - Wiitanen

Comp apps 2 - fernholz

Choir/SH - Wilke (yay!)

Third Quarter:

Publications - (er...forgot, just switched it today from GYM! bleh)

American Lit- Kannenberg

Pottery 1 - Torkleson

Choir/SH - Frarck

Fourth Quarter:

Int Gen Chem 1-2 - Donna (wait, what??!?!)

Princ Math 3-2 - Colucy

World History & Geo - Hegerle

Choir/SH - Hoff

Uh...yeah...lemme know if we have any classes together so I can actually look forward to school!

Yes so basically...I'm a moron.  I made a really stupid decision and went to Dan's party Saturday night to be the DD for some of my friends (stupid huh, I dont even have my liscence!) But I ended up drinking anyways and yeah...I didn't drive, we got busted long before we planned to leave.

So basically I'm grounded until forever...the only way I'll be able to do anything for a while will be to have people over here, and I might not be able to see one of my very good friends for quite a long time.

Long story short, I went because I wanted to be loved for driving so my friends could go, and basically the moral is: Never make a decision based on the sole reason for popularity.

I dont know what the fuck I was thinking. If I had gotten pulled over (and knowing the K-town cops i would have even if my driving was impeccable (sp?) ) I would have 1) Gotten a minor consumption 2) Driving without a liscence and 3) DUI. Plus all of my friends would have gotten busted too.

I kind of had a bad idea about that night, and I was thinking that if I couldnt talk my friends out of going, that I could go there and protect them myself.  Well I kinda fucked that plan over to.

Longer story shorter: I'm a fucking moron.

To Leah:  Remembering something odd in all the time I've had to think.  Remember what that fortune cookie said about not mistaking something for oppertunity?  We should eat chinese more often, and next time, remind me to pay attention to our paper-stuffed cookies.